My Baby Falls Asleep at the Breast!

"Does she fall asleep at the breast? She's turned you into a dummy! If you get her used to falling asleep at the breast she'll always want it. Don't let her fall asleep in your arms, she'll always want that too. She'll wake up all night and want you."

Sentences like these can leave many mothers feeling guilty when their baby drifts peacefully off to sleep at the breast. When a baby falls asleep while feeding, the mother feels she has failed yet again and that she is not good enough. But what exactly has gone wrong? Why have we set rules like these? Why shouldn't a baby drift peacefully and calmly into sleep in the place where they feel most at ease in the whole world?

A baby falling asleep at the breast and seeking the breast in order to settle is a completely normal, healthy behaviour that is entirely appropriate for their age and stage of development. Breastfeeding soothes a baby and triggers the release of cholecystokinin, a hormone that helps with sleep (Beijers et al, 2013). Sometimes a baby cannot tolerate all the stimulation they have been exposed to during the day and needs comfort, and so they ask for the breast, the only form of comfort they know. Sometimes their teeth hurt, they are unwell, they are tired, something frightened them that day, they need closeness, they want to settle, and so they look for the breast. Don't we all have things we do to soothe ourselves as we fall asleep after a stressful day? If we see that need to self-soothe as normal in ourselves, why do we deny that same mechanism to our babies, who know far less about this world full of uncertainty? Why do sleep trainers place so much emphasis on this mechanism? Does a baby really wake constantly because they fell asleep feeding, or do they constantly ask for the breast in order to sleep because they need closeness? Sleep trainers argue that babies need to learn to sleep without support and that a baby needs to become independent. But do they also know that there can be no individuation without union first? How can a baby develop the skill of self-soothing without first internalising their mother's capacity to soothe them? By crying alone? Or by being patted in the cot when what they want is to be picked up and held, so that they learn to sleep in their bed? How can babies acquire these skills while they feel alone and feel their emotions have been rejected?

Babies who have been through this may soothe themselves in unhealthy ways. For example, they may suck on a toy or a blanket as they fall asleep, or rhythmically bang their heads against the cot. As I mentioned, you can first try settling your baby in different ways. For instance, if your baby falls asleep feeding, you can lift them onto your shoulder after they have fed and fallen asleep and let them open and close their eyes, so that they drift off on your shoulder instead. After that you can begin settling them directly on your shoulder. This is a gradual transition. If you believe the breast is the reason they are waking, doing this should resolve the situation. If it still does not, my advice is to get help with the housework (from family, a helper or a friend) and try to spend your day with your baby in a fulfilling way. If your baby has their fill of you during the day, they will need your closeness less at night. Babies wake frequently simply out of a need for closeness and in protest at being left alone.