Is my baby doing it on purpose?
Babies cannot understand general rules until they are 18 months old. For a baby under 18 months, a rule that is set applies only to that moment; they have not yet developed the ability to grasp the concept of "never". For this reason, until babies have completed this stage of development, we have to treat every situation as though it were new and repeat what it is we do not want them to do. Babies are especially prone to defiance in their second year. We see this very frequently between 18 and 30 months. This period can begin at 15 months and last until the age of three. It is part of healthy development. So do not force your own decisions on your child or make them do things against their will. Children of this age, whose every area of life is controlled by adults, are beginning to assert their need for power and autonomy. It is important to see the "no" they say constantly as an important developmental skill. If children learn that they will not lose your love by going against your wishes, then in adolescence they will find the strength to say no to dangerous pressure from friends, such as drugs, without fearing they will lose those friends.
Suggestions for building cooperation with your child:
- Offering choices,
- Being playful,
- Explaining the reasons behind rules,
Extreme defiance is a sign of built-up tension, and these feelings need to be released. Your child will cry whatever you do. If you hold them and take an empathetic approach, allowing them to release that tension, they will feel better. Punishing them, hitting them, sending them to their room to think about it, or saying you will talk once they have stopped crying, leaves them feeling utterly alone in an environment where negative feelings are not accepted. They come to believe they have parents who accept only positive feelings. Being unable to express built-up negative feelings in an accepting environment can lead to greater aggression, violent behaviour, hyperactivity or learning difficulties. In adulthood it can cause a person to suppress and refuse to accept their negative feelings. Symptoms such as depression, loneliness and feelings of worthlessness may appear.
About the author
Clinical Psychologist Orlit Linet Haklı — After completing a double major in Psychology and Sociology at Koç University, I graduated from the Clinical Psychology programme at Bahçeşehir University. For three years I worked with the Solidarity Association with Refugees and Migrants, a UNICEF project, conducting individual psychotherapy and group art therapy sessions with refugee children and adolescents. I currently provide parental counselling at a private practice in Kadıköy on the Anatolian side of Istanbul, working with children, adolescents and adults using psychodynamic psychotherapy, play therapy and art therapy.