How to resolve sibling rivalry
Gaining a sibling can be very stressful and traumatic for a child. Your child may feel jealous of the new baby. They may express that tension through aggressive behaviour, stubbornness and unwillingness to cooperate, or by starting to act like a baby again (regression). Helping your child feel that they are still loved and still matter will ease their tension and reduce these kinds of behaviours. First and foremost, do not compare your children. Give your older child jobs to do in caring for the baby. One-to-one special play sessions with your child are enormously helpful. Research has shown that playing one-to-one, child-led games with your child reduces challenging behaviour. Playing these games every day, or at the very least once or twice a week for an hour, will help your child feel that they are still special and will be a comfort to them. Give your child dolls, small cars, Lego, building materials and art supplies. Let them lead the play and give them your full attention. Do not busy yourself with your phone or tablet. During play time, go along with everything they ask for within the game. This is their play time, and they should be in control. If they want you to play with them, play, but do not interfere with the game; if they only want you to watch, watch quietly. If there is rivalry and jealousy between siblings, hold a separate special play session with each of them. Because you are focused on them alone during this special play time, they will feel special and loved. They will also be able to express their feelings through play and feel accepted. In this way, sibling jealousy will lessen.
Alongside child-led play, you can also use symbolic play. You might give your child as many toy elephants as there are members of your family and let them create an elephant family game, or a train family made of carriages. Here too, simply be an observer without interfering. If they hurt the sibling figure within the game, do not step in; this will help them release their strong feelings. Research has shown that symbolically striking an object as though hitting their sibling does not increase real aggressive behaviour towards the sibling. On the contrary, this kind of play helps them feel understood, and helps them express and let go of feelings of anger and anxiety. Their aggression will also decrease.
About the author
Clinical Psychologist Orlit Linet Haklı — After completing a double major in Psychology and Sociology at Koç University, I graduated from the Clinical Psychology programme at Bahçeşehir University. For three years I worked with the Solidarity Association with Refugees and Migrants, a UNICEF project, conducting individual psychotherapy and group art therapy sessions with refugee children and adolescents. I currently provide parental counselling at a private practice in Kadıköy on the Anatolian side of Istanbul, working with children, adolescents and adults using psychodynamic psychotherapy, play therapy and art therapy.